What Isn't and What Should Always Be
by Dr. Sexy M.D
Summary: Wincest! My take on the episode "What is and What Should Never Be". Some dialogue from the show with a lot of extra stuff. Rated M for language and steam!


A/N: This is my take on the episode "What is and What Should Never Be". I've had the first 3/4 written from before, just needed to add the big sex part at the end. I decided to take a little break from Double Vision and bring you this tidbit of Wincesty goodness! I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Wincest, first time, language...pretty much my usual. Rated M for a reason!

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What Isn't and What Should Always Be

It'd been going on for weeks. The way that Sam had been reacting to Dean's presence, been trying to get under his skin the way Dean seemed to get under Sam's; the way Sam would touch him every chance he could get and would purposely walk around in just his towel with water still dripping down his chest.

It confused and frustrated Dean like nothing else ever had, because he knew that Sam was doing this shit on purpose. Ever since Dean had gotten completely shit-faced and had kissed Sam – for some ungodly reason – Sam had been torturing him about it. Dean was pretty sure that Sam wasn't just doing it to be his usual bitchy self, that maybe his little Sammy had interest in unnatural things. Dean knew that nothing would ever come of Sam's flirtations, because sober Dean was in control of things. Sober Dean had his head screwed on straight…most of the time. It wasn't like sober Dean ever wanted to lick that traitorous water off that long, lean, muscled torso of Sam's, it wasn't like that at all. This was Dean Winchester for crying out loud, he was a skilled hunter, a brave warrior…he didn't fall apart in front of Sam, bend his ass over the bed and beg like a pathetic, horny bastard. He had been the one, however, to kiss Sam. But, that had been one moment of weakness, one. Everyone was entitled to that one moment, weren't they?

This was Dean's little brother. This was the little asshole who had always gotten the first piece of cake…even on Dean's birthday. This was also the jerk who'd left Dean alone with their dad to go off to Stanford and try to become a lawyer. But Dean knew that it was different now. Sam wasn't like that anymore. Sam now saw the importance in what they did, maybe even more so than Dean did. Sam had a purpose, a drive that Dean couldn't seem to muster up. All Dean wanted to do was dig a hole in the ground and bury himself into it.

Sam knew that Dean's heart wasn't in this anymore. He knew that his brother had lost his desire to do this job after their dad had sacrificed his life for his. The weight of that on Dean's shoulders was enough to do him in. Sam knew all of that. He also knew that his brother harbored secret feelings of desire for him, so deep that they only came out when Dean was nearly to the point of passing out drunk. He felt bad for taking advantage of that, sure, but once he knew that Dean felt that way – even subconsciously – he knew he couldn't just let that go. See, Sam had wanted Dean since he was a teenager, since he watched his brother grow into a man before his own eyes, since he had to watch Dean go on countless numbers of dates with slutty chicks that meant nothing to him. Sam always wanted to be more for Dean, something real, but he had always believed that Dean would never want that from him. Clearly he had been a little bit wrong.

When they stumbled onto that hunt with the Djinn, Sam knew deep down inside that he shouldn't have let his brother go alone. He knew Dean needed backup, that there was a chance that something bad could happen to the brother he loved so much.

Sam tried to follow after him as fast as he could. He didn't want Dean there alone for very long. But, what he found when he got there was something he'd have nightmares about for months to come. Seeing his beloved older brother tied up and being drained slowly of his blood was so painful Sam had to fight to keep control. He wanted to rip the Djinn to shreds, wanted to show him what it felt like to hurt.

But, it all happened so fast. The Djinn snuck up on him and was about to do the very thing that he had done to Dean, to him. That was when his brother had somehow managed to break through the rope that Sam had tried to cut before being attacked and killed the Djinn himself. Even without all of his blood and his strength Dean had managed to come to Sam's rescue…again. Sam had lost count of how many times his older brother had saved his ass, but he felt like it must be somewhere in the hundreds.

Sam watched his brother save that girl too, how he cradled her in his arms and told her that he had her and that she was alright. Sam couldn't deny that he felt a constriction in his heart. His brother could be so gentle, so loving when he wasn't putting up a front. He wished for nothing more than to be cradled and shown that kind of gentleness to.

Once they got her to the hospital they had taken off, not wanting to stick around. They were wanted fugitives now. They couldn't run the risk of someone spotting them. So, they dropped off the girl and left a phone number where they could be reached with updates about her condition.

Dean was silent the entire drive back to the motel. When they pulled into the parking lot Sam finally asked him the question he was dying to get an answer for. "What happened back there, Dean? What did you see?"

Dean shook his head, "Nothing. Doesn't matter." And it really didn't. None of it had been real. It didn't matter how much Dean had wanted it to be real, how real it had felt, that didn't change the fact that their parents were dead, that Jessica was dead, that Sam and Dean were all each other had in the whole world.

Sam sighed, "Of course it matters, Dean." Sam didn't know what he was up against if he didn't know what had happened.

Dean got out of the car and walked straight for their motel room, ending the conversation right there. Sam rolled his eyes and wanted to call out to him, accusing him of being emotionally truncated, which he was, but realized that it probably wouldn't help the situation.

Sam followed right behind his brother. "I can't fix it if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"Shut up, Sam."

Sam moved to sit on the end of Dean's bed with him, "Listen man, you can talk to me…about anything. You know that."

Dean sighed, "Why can't you just accept that I can't talk about this?"

"Because I know you. You'll keep this bottled up for weeks, maybe months, and then you'll finally explode." Sam reached over and set his hand on Dean's arm. "Just talk to me, man."

Dean pulled away from Sam with a sigh. "It's too hard, Sammy, thinking about what could've been."

Sam frowned. He wanted to tell Dean that everything was alright now, that he was there and they were safe. The only problem with that whole thing was that Sam knew better than to say something like that, because nothing was ever going to be alright, and they'd never truly be safe. He was about to pull some sort of reassuring words out of his ass when his phone began to ring.

He put up his finger, "Hold that thought."

Dean just kind of nodded and reached for the closest magazine he could find, anything to help him keep his mind off his thoughts and fake memories. When he found the picture of 'Carmen' it all made sense why his mind had focused on her. He clearly had seen her picture in the magazine and had thought about being with her, wondered what it would be like to actually "go someplace better" as the El Sol add above her head read. Then he remembered seeing that same pose of her framed at their place and realized that once again he had been getting glimpses of reality from the part of his brain that knew it hadn't been real.

Sam talked to one of the nurses on call who informed him that the girl they had brought in was going to pull through. They were both happy about that, though it was all a little bit lackluster for Dean, who couldn't stop focusing on the what ifs.

Sam studied Dean's face. He knew there was a lot going on behind that mask, that façade. "How about you, you gonna be alright?"

Dean couldn't look Sam in the eyes, "Yeah. I'm alright." He practically whispered. "You should've seen it Sammy…our lives." He shook his head, a slight smile forming on his face, "You were such a wussy."

Sam laughed; glad that his brother could smile a little bit. "So we didn't get along then huh?"

"No." Dean answered quietly.

"Yeah." Sam said, not all that surprised by the revelation. "I thought it was supposed to be this perfect fantasy."

"It wasn't." Dean was adamant. He set the magazine down beside him on the bed so that he could devote his energy to his brother and what he had to say. "It was just a wish. I wished for mom to live. Mom never died, we never went hunting and me and you just never ah…" Dean wanted to finish that statement, but he wasn't entirely sure what they were to each other at the moment.

Sam nodded, "Well I'm glad we do." He was glad that they got along, that they loved each other, that they were all each other had…that they had these feelings for each other.

Dean looked back at Sam, square in the eyes, like he could see straight through him.

"I'm glad you dug yourself out, Dean." Sam told him. "Most people wouldn't have had the strength, they'd have just stayed."

"Yeah, lucky me." Dean muttered sarcastically. Dean stood up then, pacing a bit through the room. "I gotta tell you though man, you had Jess, mom was gonna have grandkids."

"Yeah, but Dean, it wasn't real."

"No, but I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad…all I can think about is how much this job's cost us. We've lost so much. We've sacrificed so much…"

Sam wanted to get up and go to Dean then, wanted to wrap him in his arms and hold on tightly, prove to Dean that it was better in the real world than any fantasy, but he didn't have the heart to at that moment. So, instead he sad "People are alive because of you. It's worth it, Dean. It is. It's not fair and it hurts like hell, but it's worth it."

The pain in Dean's eyes was something that Sam rarely ever got to see. He looked like he was on the verge of a serious breakdown, something that Dean Winchester had probably only done maybe twice in his whole life.

"Come here." Sam said softly, patting the spot on the bed beside him.

Dean sighed. He didn't want to be put into one of those chick flick moments that Sammy loved so much. But, for some reason his legs betrayed him and he found himself sitting down beside his baby brother on the bed.

"Hey look, I can only imagine what it must've been like for you in there. I can only imagine how much it must've hurt to know you couldn't have all of that, Dean."

"It wasn't just about me." Dean whispered. "Me, whatever. But you…you were happy. I wanted that so bad." His voice broke and Sam couldn't help but pull him close. "Don't baby me, Sam." Dean said, trying to pull away.

"I'm not babying you Dean. I just know you're in a lot of pain and I want to try and make it better."

"Well, you can't."

Sam nearly felt as though he'd been slapped, but he tried to fight his natural reaction to bite back with an attitude. "Dean please…let me try."

"What are you going to do? You gonna hold me in your arms and let me cry it out on your chest like a girl?!" Dean stood up again, just to be pulled back down by Sam.

"Maybe." Sam shrugged, "I don't know. But, what I do know is that you need to realize that we're in this all together. When you're hurting then I'm hurting. I can't watch you in pain and sit back like la-ti-da and not care. I love you."

Dean drew in his breath. It wasn't often that they said those words to each other. It wasn't real macho and manly to say them, but he knew they both felt them. But, the way Sam was looking at him made him want to ask questions, want to know in what way Sam meant that.

Sam, not wanting to pussyfoot around any longer, leaned in and pressed his mouth to his brother's.

Dean froze. What the hell was happening? Sure, it wasn't like Sam's flirtations had gone unnoticed, but Sam just couldn't be serious.

Sam pulled back with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Dean." Clearly Dean hadn't reciprocated the kiss even a little bit. "I wasn't trying to take advantage of the situation or anything."

Dean's brow furrowed, "What exactly were you trying to do?"

Sam looked down at his hands, the floor, anywhere but in Dean's eyes. "I don't know. I just wanted you to know that…I just…" He ran his hand through his long locks and bit his lip.

Dean wanted to apologize for putting that look onto his brother's face. He was just genuinely confused. "I'm not trying to be an ass here or anything, I just want to know what that was all about. Why are you being so touchy feely with me lately and why did you just…" Dean couldn't get the words to come out of his mouth. What the hell was up? Was Sam toying with him?

Sam looked up then. He recognized the look on Dean's face, "You want to know if I'm dicking with you."

Dean shrugged.

Sam rolled his eyes, "Don't you think that I'd pick a less humiliating way of messing with you if that was what I was doing?"

"How should I know, Sam?" He wanted to put about ten miles of space between them.

Sam reached out and gripped Dean's arm so he couldn't get up and put distance between them, the way Sam knew he wanted to do. He studied those insanely soft, kissable lips and couldn't help but smile softly to himself. "Dean, do you have any idea how perfect those lips of yours are?"

One of Dean's eyebrows quirked up pretty much near that spikey hair of his. "What?"

Sam leaned in, breathing in Dean's air. "You heard me."

"I wonder if I'm still under the Djinn's spell. Is this really you talking?"

Sam smiled, "Of course it's me. I've only been throwing myself at you for weeks." He lightly traced his thumb over Dean's lower lip and – much to Sam's surprise – Dean's lips parted for him. "Ever since that night that you kissed me I've wanted to do this. You put up an even thicker barricade around yourself; you wanted to keep me away from you. I understand why you did it, but I just want you to know that it's okay to want me the way you clearly want me."

Dean huffed, "Aren't you being a bit presumptuous, Sammy?"

"You kissed me, Dean."

"I was three sheets to the wind. It doesn't count."

"Hmm, well, this definitely does." With that Sam wrapped his huge hand around the back of Dean's neck and brought him in for a deep, probing, searing kiss. "Want you, Dean." He said when he finally let Dean come up for air.

Dean drew in his breath, "What are you saying?"

"Quit playing dumb with me, Dean. I'm saying that I want you." He nudged Dean's cheek with his nose, playfully, "I want you to fuck me."

"Don't you think we're rushing things a little bit here?" How Dean managed to find any words was a miracle to him.

Sam shook his head, "No way. We've been dancing around this for years." He pulled Dean down onto the bed with him, "Come on, want you…" He wrapped one of his legs around Dean's hips and quickly ground his erection against his brother's growing one.

Dean let out a throaty moan, "This is crazy. I can't fuck my brother in the ass."

"Well, then I guess I can take one for the team and do the fucking myself."

"Oh no." Dean countered, "There's no way that gigantic thing is getting anywhere near my ass."

Sam kissed all over Dean's face and neck, "I'll be all nice and tight for you, big brother." Never a truer statement had been uttered from Sam's lips. He'd never been with anyone like this. He's saved his ass for his brother.

Dean actually groaned. Sam was taking the fight right out of him. How was he supposed to take the moral high ground when his dirty-mouthed little brother said things like that to him? What was a dude to do? "Don't say things like that." Dean nearly whispered.

Sam bent down to kiss him once again. His hands wandered down to his chest, where he began to remove Dean's shirt. "Hmm, does it make you want it even more? Does it make you horny? Are you getting hard for me, big brother?"

If Dean wasn't so damn turned on he'd probably have slugged Sam in that moment. Instead he just groaned and tried to keep his breathing calm. He couldn't rush this; he needed to take his time with this.

"I know you just got out of that place. You're still weak, I know that. Let me do most of the work." Sam said softly, peppering Dean's face with kisses.

Dean swallowed hard. He'd practically been through hell and back with that Djinn and now he was getting everything he ever wanted…but it was something he knew he shouldn't want, shouldn't have. He shouldn't be able to have this with his own brother.

"Stop thinking so much." Sam whispered. He began to remove their clothes, not wanting to take any more time than necessary. He didn't want to give Dean the time to come up with more reasons why they shouldn't be doing this. "You're beautiful and I want you. There isn't anything else you need to think about. Just think about you and me and how good this is going to feel."

Dean looked deeply into Sam's eyes. Something clicked in that moment. Why had Dean been fighting against this for so long? He'd forced himself out of the fake world where he got everything he ever wanted and he did it for Sam…he did it because he knew that somewhere, back in the real world, his brother needed him. He couldn't abandon Sam like that. Everything he'd ever done in his life had been for Sam, so why not this?

With their clothes off Sam wrapped his hand around both of their erections and began to stroke. It felt so amazing to have Dean's naked body so close to him, his naked cock hard in his hand. "Love the way you feel, Dean. Can't wait to have you deep inside me."

Dean moaned. Sam was making him crazy. And then he was up and moving. He needed lube. He searched his pack for the little bottle that he carried with him for special occasions. This was one of those occasions. He poured a little bit onto his hand and then moved his hand down to Sam's opening. "I'm going to go slow, Sammy, don't worry."

Sam gulped. He wanted this desperately but he couldn't deny that he was nervous. He'd heard horror stories about how much this would hurt the first time, but he wanted this…he wanted this with Dean. "I trust you."

Dean kissed him then. It was soft, it was romantic and it spoke of how much Dean felt for Sam. He distracted Sam with that kiss as he lightly pressed his finger inside of that hole. He could feel Sam tense around him and gently rubbed soothing circles over his chest and stomach, trying to soothe him. "It's okay, Sammy." He used that finger to stretch Sam a little bit and then added a second finger when he felt like Sam could handle it. "Just stay relaxed for me."

Sam did as he was told. He simply focused on how much he loved his brother, how he'd give Dean anything and everything that he ever wanted. He knew he'd been wrong all those times he'd run away, but his feelings for Dean had been so intense and his relationship with their father had been terrible so running seemed like the best solution to both problems. He wished he'd embraced his feelings for Dean before, let himself have this.

Dean knew that Sam's mind was far away but he was okay with that. Whatever he needed to do in order to stay relaxed was okay. He scissored his fingers, working Sam open the best he could. He knew it was going to hurt a bit, but he hated the thought of it. When he thought Sam was ready he added a third finger, purposely aiming for Sam's prostate to distract him some more.

Sam nearly hit the ceiling. He'd never imagined, in his wildest dreams, that Dean's hands could feel that good. "Want you so fucking bad! I'm ready, I'm ready." Sam chanted.

Dean smiled to himself. He lubed up his cock and pressed it against Sam's entrance. As he pushed inside he placed soft kisses on Sam's face and neck, soothing words falling from his lips.

Sam's arms came around Dean's back, holding on for dear life.

Dean pressed himself all the way inside, bottoming out. With a groan he stilled himself, letting Sam adjust. He knew Sam was ready for him to move when Sam started to rut against him. "You ready for me, baby boy?"

"So ready." Sam muttered. His eyes closed and his mouth opened with his pleasure. Every one of Dean's movements felt amazing; made him feel as if he were alive for the very first time. "Want you, need you, love you."

Dean took Sam gently and passionately, holding him close and declaring just how much he loved him. This was life changing, this was spiritual; this was everything Dean had ever wanted or needed in his life.

They came together, Dean inside Sam's ass and Sam all over Dean's chest. It was incredible for both of them. They held onto each other as they came down, panting and completely out of breath. "I love you, Dean Winchester."

Dean smiled and placed a soft kiss on Sam's mouth, "And I love you, Sam Winchester."

Dean cleaned them up and then tucked Sam in against him as they fell to sleep, knowing that this was how it should always be.


End file.
